The New Messiah puzzled long and hard about how to produce a religion that would liberate humanity rather than enslave it. As time went by, he grew desperate, for he could find no solution, and his existence depended on success - after all, being a Messiah would be meaningless without having something to save the faithful for.
But he could find nothing.
Finally, before despair could take him away to oblivion, he resorted to seeking outside help.
KDAmery picked up the phone. "`Lo?"
"Your Supremeness? It's the New Messiah."
"Hey, Kiddo, how's it hangin’?"
"It's not. That's the problem: I need a new faith."
"I... see.... Is this for personal or professional use?"
"Professional. Personal, too."
"Uh huh. Well, all right, come on over." KDAmery reached into the phone and pulled the New Messiah through.
"So, what exactly is the problem?"
"What I need is a religion that won't deceive people, yet will give them a sense of purpose and meaning."
"Jeez, why dontcha ask for something easy, like world peace or stable computer standards."
"Hey, if it was easy I would have done it myself."
"Alright, alright, lessee what we can whip up here."
CWBorysowich wandered through the room, glancing through the pages of The Egyptian Book Of The Dead. CWBorysowich stopped. His face warped for a second. He dropped the book on the floor, "Who the hell needs religion, anyway?" and promptly exited.
"Don't mind him," said KDAmery. "He's just feeling PO'd cause somebody created the universe and forgot to invite him. Anyway, let's take a look at the basics. The real source of religion is the unknown forces in the mind."
"Huh?" asked the New Messiah.
"Sure. What, you never read Jung? Get with it, kid. Anyway, the whole idea was to explain these frightening occurrences. Later (like, later that week) it was used to explain external shit, like thunder storms and fire and pimples. The third development, and this is the bit that really pisses CW and myself off to no end, is the addition of morality to the mix. Now, rather than asking the village elder `what's dat?' and being told his understanding of what it was, you also got some BS about how it should be a lesson to you to always believe in the Great Cockroach and hate the Wicker People."
"Ohhhh... kay.," said the New Messiah. "So, I need a story that is non-judgmental, right?"
"Yeah, that's a start. But, more importantly, it's got to be something that won't be proved wrong, and it has to resonate."
"Huh?"
"Okay, listen. If the tenets of your system can be disproved, you're going to have a real problem keeping the faithful. Self evident, right?"
"Sure, look at the Church of Scientology..."
"Okay. But the story can be true as a government scandal and it won't make a lick of difference unless it resonates. Your story has to grab the imagination of a great many people. They have to believe it as soon as they hear it."
"Kinda like propaganda?"
"Hmmm, you learn a little too quick. Be careful with that shit, it'll blow up on you. Oh yeah, one more thing. Deep six the worship thing."
"Wha... why?!"
"Cuz us deities really don't care about all the mortal slavering that goes on. We think it's demeaning and boring. I mean, look at this: you got people bowing their heads and begging for forgiveness for something someone they don't even know did. That isn't there to help us, it's there for the priests. It makes them feel powerful to see all these people on their knees."
"So what do you want?"
"Me? Leave me outta this, pal. I don't have time to pay attention to the whole world on Sunday morning: I'm still recovering from Saturday night."
CWBorysowich re-entered the room holding a calculator. "You know, if that bozo that wrote the bible came back to life right now, we'd owe him a heck of a lot of back royalties."
"True," said KDAmery. "Except it wasn't one guy, it was a few hundred. The Bible was the world's first Committee Art. There wouldn't be royalties to the guys, it would be to their marketing firm."
"Well, thank the lord we had that company go under and recycled into a microwave."
"Is that what you did with your half? I turned mine into Harry."
