It was the big day. The Dark One was Finally to go to court for one of his teenage pranks as a wizard. Skippy nervously sat at the head of the prosecution desk, representing the Queen as a kitten and wondering what he might get turned into for crossing the Dark One, whose power had greatly increased since last week.
In the defense chair sat the Dark One, sucking up all the light from that side of the court room. Even through the gloom, it was obvious no one was sitting in the Defense counsel seat.
Judge Guido, Disciple of one or another of the Messiahs - the first Disciple, and the reason for needing sixteen, now fifteen, others, as well as proprietor of Ten Three Words on the Starship USS Unlimited Inc. - was presiding in small claims court part 667.5, room 802.3, having just arrived back from Skuppernung's funeral and a quick stop off to tell Ms. Petunia Vickers, the woman with so many morals she has to catalogue them with the Dewey Decimal system, to stop praying on his lawn, and a quick change out of his casual wear (deep breath). He banged the gavel three times. "Ahright, folks, let's getta down ta bidness. Dark One, I see you've decided ta forgo legal assistance."
"I am represented, your honour."
"Oh. Isa da guy late?"
"My representation is not present."
"We can see dat. Isa dis guy gonna be here today?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"It doesn't exist."
"Huh?"
"Just get on with the case, you imbecile."
"'Ey, dat'sa contempta court! Take ita back or else!"
"He's right," a voice said. "You'll have to apologize."
Everyone except the Dark One looked about the room, trying to find the speaker. "Who said dat?" asked Guido.
"My counsel, your honour. Incidentally, my aspersion on your intelligence was uncalled for."
Skippy, smelling positively horrid and looking puzzled, stood up, causing Liz and Geeves to recoil while plugging their noses and the Dark One to wrinkle his infinitely dark schnoz. "Your Honour, we the plaintiff accuse the defendant of willfully changing Elizabeth, the Queen of England, into a kitten, and move for restitution."
"You've hearda da charge, Dark One. How d'ya plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
The one person who sat in the court room to hear the case gasped, but then that was his job.
"Ahright, mistah Prosecutah, da ball's your's."
"Thank you, your honour. We ask a simple question. How did Queen Elizabeth, the monarch beloved by millions, become a kitten if not by sorcery?"
"How do we know that fur ball is the Queen?" asked the Voice.
"Uh, who else would she be?"
"A cat, of course."
"You realize that calling her a fur ball is also Treason!"
"Firstly, this assumes the feline is truly royalty, which has yet to be established. Secondly, even if she were the Queen, it would only be treason if we were currently in England. Thirdly, who are you going to charge with treason?"
"I am the Queen damn it! I am!" screamed the kitten stamping it's feet and slipping off the chair into a ball on the floor.
Geeves bent down to pick her up as Guido banged his gavel on the bench screaming, "Ordah, Ordah in da court!"
The gasper gasped again.
"Your Honour," the Voice asked, "what kind of a court of law accepts testimony from a cat?"
"How many cats do you know that can give testimony?" piped in Skippy.
"Well, Well, Oh just get on wif da case, call your first witness to da stand."
"Your honour, I call Geeves to the stand."
Geeves scuffing his ancient slippers made his way to the witness stand and was sworn in. He sat down comfortably - adjusted his bow tie - cleared his throat and was ready.
"Would you state your name and occupation for the court please."
"My name is Geeves and I'm the head butler at Buckingham Palace."
"Good, and how long have you known her Majesty the Queen?"
"Well, ever since she was a little girl."
"And is Her majesty in this court room today?"
"Why, yes, she's sitting right there on the chair." Geeves pointed to the kitten sitting pertly behind the prosecution table.
The gasper gasped once again.
"No further questions your honour."
Skippy returned to his chair, patted the Queen, and started to shuffle papers around officiously.
"Da dafence may question now."
The court was silent a moment. Then deep voice asked, "Why did you do it, Geeves?"
Skippy got a paper cut and was suppressing a scream.
"Did what?"
"I'll tell you why. He wanted the money!!!"
"What money?"
"Your honour, it is painfully obvious that Geeves is in fact ventriloquizing the voice of the alleged Queen into this kitten and accusing my client of transmogrification in order to collect a hefty settlement. Fraud, pure and simple."
The gasper gasped again - a long hard gasp and started to turn blue.
"Yis, and I'm ventriloquizing the defense attorney too."
"If you say so."
"I refuse to argue with my self over it."
"Alright. A moment ago Geeves agreed to the hypothesis put forth, and now refuses to deny it. Therefore, I move that the charges against my client be dropped and Geeves be arrested for fraud."
The kitten jumped on the desk screaming, "Damn it, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, he didn't do it! That, light sucker over there did!"
"And how do you explain the erratic motions of the kitten with my so called ventriloquism?"
"All sorts of things could do it. Perhaps the kitten is a robot. Perhaps its on drugs. Perhaps its mindwashed. The point is, of course, that that is not the Queen. I have proof." A newspaper fell to the center of the court room. "Today's Star clearly has Queen Elizabeth vacationing in Jamaica with Elvis."
"I object your honour, that is purely hear say and a bit of doctored photographs." said Skippy still in official mode and occasionally nursing his finger.
"That is the Queen and I know she is because I saw the Dark One change her her into a kitten!"
The gasper was about to gasp again when the court room doors flung open and in stepped Lovely Lumpy Linda with Balldrip the Assassin in tow and sporting her ring of Tuth the Whako.
"No she's not, I'm the Queen," yelled Linda
The gasper had a heart attack and fell under the benches.
The Dark One broke into one of his pleasantly sunny smiles that probably would have glowed if it wasn't for all the light he was sucking in.
"You see, your honour, there is the Queen with Elvis. As you can see, she looks much more like Elizabeth than this furniture shredder here. The appearance isn't exact, of course, otherwise you wouldn't be able to fit all the security in the court room."
"'As Elvis bina remodeled or sumthin?" questioned the judge.
"It's his way of remaining incognito. The King and the Queen are very busy, of course, so they must be running along soon. One question only."
"You call this a King?" complained Linda.
"Nevah mind. Da case is dismissed, I'm outah 'ere."
The kitten lunged from behind the prosecution desk and started to shred Guido's robes screaming profanities amongst loud, high pitched, really annoying meows.
The Dark One disappeared in a puff of smoke that was only noticed after he was completely gone. The voice was nowhere to be heard. Linda dragged Balldrip to the airport, to head for England and their new home in Buckingham Palace. Geeves and the Kitten stormed out of the courtroom, leaving Guido with a lot of razor nicks, and all was back to the pleasant life that we all lead, except for the presence of Skippy and the dead gasper, who gasped his final gasp during one of the most horrendous cases in the history of Mongolian small claims court ever to be known.
