PART XV – Reporting For Duty

Doktor Skuppernung and Judas walked into The New Messiah's dressing room. "Ve have news, sir!"

"Git outta here while I change, you fags!!"

"But it's important!" exclaimed Judas.

"Even in my undies, I doubt your belief," growled the New Messiah.

The two buddies pushed back out the door and waited for umpteen hours in the dining hall.

"Dun't peeple uzually dine in a dining hall?"

"Yeah," replied Judas with his curtain of boredom.

"Nize ventriloquizm act, but nobody has dined in zis plaze for furteen hours!"

"Let's raid the kitchen..."

"Jou gott iit." They made for the kitchens, and ran into the Holy Ghost. They both turned white.

"What's wrong?" The spirit asked. "You two look like you've seen a ghost."

Skuppernung and Judas looked at each other. "Uh, yeah. Anything to eat around here?"

"Wouldn't know, it's not one of my priorities anymore. Or ever, for that matter. Try that big metal thing."

They opened the door, ignoring the black and yellow sign on it with the three triangles inside a circle.

Suddenly it dawned on Judas that he had caught a severe case of leprosy. Quickly closing the door, Judas turned and a buzzer went off with a spinning light above the door.

The New Messiah stormed into the room wearing a radiation suit and slapped Judas across the face. "You idiots! Don't you realize that my saving your lives will take away from my energy level for the fight tomorrow? Can't you recognize a fucking radiation sign?"

"No and no," replied Judas as his jaw fell off.

"Great, now you can't tell me your news."

"Doc c'n do ih."

"No he can't! Look at him. He's a vegetable."

Judas turned around and beheld a six-foot cumquat.

"Oh ny!"

The New Messiah slapped the lower jaw back into Judas.

"Now, spit it out!"

Judas obediently spat his lower jaw across the room.

"You're pathetic."

"Hor teettle said I hate dagels at zhe sane tine."

"My God, do you know what this means, Judas?"

"Ut?"

"Absotively posilutely nothing in this time frame! That was important in the last swelling of the multi-verse, but right now it means as much as a drag race between garden slugs."

"Unh, tori."

"You come in here, disturb my changing of robes, empty my radiation closet, give me a completely useless piece of information and all you can utter is TORI???"

"Tori."

"You're so stupid, you would vote for Mulroney, wouldn't you?! Tory indeed." The New Messiah stalked off and rejoined his training with drag racing garden slugs. Judas grabbed his jaw and a knife, walked over to Doc, and dug in.

PART XIV - The Van

Linda closed the van door. Paisley reclined on the foam mattress. Linda asked, "What do you want to do now?"

"I dunno."

"Want to go eat?"

"Sure."

"What?"

"Dunno."

"Do you have any preference for anything?"

"Not really."

Linda looked at her. This girl made air look brilliant. "Want to fuck?"

"Yeah."

The van rolled its headlights. "Why do I have to listen to this shit?"

"Well," said the alternator, "that's what you get for letting them stay around. We told you to dive off that embankment, but would you listen?.."

"Sure, you woulda loved that too. You would have been melded together with the starter motor."

The alternator and the starter motor shuddered. Neither could stand the other's bathroom habits.

"I need something to distract myself..."

"Don't look at me," said the engine management computer. "I'm sick of Tetris!"

"We could roll off that cliff..." submitted the tires.

"Hey, the rest of us wanted to live, and only kill the bozos inside."

"A life that isn't crippled, I might add," added the front bumper.

"I know!" said the shock absorber. "We could start bouncing!"

"Great, then we'll look like we have the hiccups."

The oil pan salivated.

"Hey, Linda accidentally left a Gwar CD in the deck," said the stereo. "I could start that at max."

"Wait a minute... I think I've got gas," said the engine.

"Would you leave your gastronomical problems out of the discussion?" asked the transmission.

"Yeah, and don't send it out here either," protested the tailpipe.

"I don't know which is worse," said the van, "the people or my parts."