Harry was sobbing on his bar. He stopped, looked out at his brand new car and continued sobbing harder.
A car pulled into the parking lot and up to the front doors. It was an old hearse with spiked hubcaps, a ramming beam on the front, a pair of 60mm Gatling guns on the front hood and a SA-7 rocket launcher on the roof. Two .50 caliber machine guns hung down from the front bumper.
Harry sat up with tears still rolling down his cheeks. The door opened and in oozed a 300 pound, 7 foot tall bald man with a patch over one nostril. His leather jacket was riddled with bullet holes and knife slashes. Chains hung down to his knees, and he sidled into the hotel like a cantering deer.
He walked up to Harry and dropped his M60 on the bar.
"I want a room."
"Uh, your name?"
"Kiljoy Kreuger's the name! Wastin' scum's my game!"
"Who is scum?"
"Anyone wit da nerve ta drive in fronta me."
"Ah. How long will you be staying?"
"Dat depends on how many cars come tru here."
"Not many."
"Den it won't be long."
"Okay, sign here. Forty one dollars for the first night... oh shit, look outside!"
Just then a loud shearing of metal could be heard from the parking lot. Killjoy slowly turned around to see his car twisted and warped into a pretzel. His eyes turned red and he picked up the M60 and walked out the door.
Karl looked up and his eyes widened. "Oh shit!"
Killjoy riddled the parking lot with shells as Karl charged back to his room with one of the .50 caliber machine guns.
Killjoy picked up a LAW rocket that had fallen out of the back seat and aimed it at the door of Karl's room.
"Not my hotel!" cried Harry.
The missile whistled to the door and exploded, collapsing the second floor.
"Direct hit!" screamed Killjoy and he headed to the room to look for survivors.
What was left of the front surged outward, and Karl strode through the smoke and debris, a piece of cloth wrapped around his head. His entire body was smoking as he leveled the .50 cal at Killjoy. "My turn, pussy."
Killjoy dove behind Harry's wrecked car as Karl totaled the rest of the parking lot.
"Enough of dis shit." Karl dropped the gun and picked up the car.
Killjoy looked up. "Oh fuck." He ran for his car.
Karl lobbed the jag at the hearse. "Incoming!"
Killjoy and Harry rolled for cover as the SA-7s blew. The stored ammo exploded, sending bits of shrapnel all over. Karl stood in the parking lot amidst it all with a big smile on his face. "I should make dis part of the act."
Killjoy popped up from a ditch at the side of the parking lot with another Gatling gun the size of an El Dorado. Karl dove back into the hotel and Killjoy leveled the other half of the building.
Harry looked up from the ditch, "Oh no, not again!"
The hotel collapsed in a mass of rubble. Dust billowed everywhere, bricks clinked together. The afternoon fell still.
Killjoy strode forward and surveyed the carnage. "Yah, dat'll teach da fucker ta pretzellize my Plymouth." He turned and walked back to the parking lot.
The ground began to rumble.
Kreuger slowly turned. "Wha' da fuck..?"
The corpse of the Roach Motel shuddered and rose from the ground as Karl's sweating, grunting form became visible.
"Yo, lardbutt! Catch!"
With a mighty heave, Karl the Kapuskasing Karr Krusher lobbed the motel at Kreuger, whose jaw and gun dropped simultaneously. The motel crashed to the ground and shattered in a giant cloud of dust.
Again, all fell still. Karl kicked through the rubble. "Yo, baldy! Ready for round two?"
Kreuger pushed a patch of shingle off himself and looked up at Karl. "I haven't had dis much fun since fuckin’ Dresden, man. You?"
"Best bash since Baghdad."
They looked each other in the eye a moment. Then, clasping fists, they yelled simultaneously, "Fuckin A!" Karl yanked Killjoy to his feet, then turned to Harry. "Barkeep! A pitcher fer me'n da dude."
Harry crawled out from behind a boulder. "From what? You wasted my fucking bar, you knothead!"
"Well what da fuck good is dis place?" asked Kreuger. "C'mon, man, let's go find a good bar. We'll take... shit, you wrecked my car."
"No probs, dude, we'll just drop by the army base, grab a few suds, and borrow one of their HUMVEEs."
"Y'know, you're positively cool ta hang around."
