Franz Kafka, Plato, Bore Us Yeltsin, A Dork Hitler, Muamar Hussein Geddoffme, Karl "Average" Marks, and Jean Jacques Rousseau sat at the round oak table. All had voiced their grievances about the state of current world politics and felt that the future decline of "government" as we know it was imminent. The Dark One and the AI's rejoiced.
Kafka broke into the mutter with "But it's just a senseless pile of bureaucracy and paper work!"
"You can always just burn the paper work and gas the bureaucrats." replied Hitler.
"Not gas, behead in the name of Allah!" put in Geddoffme.
"Granted, methodology aside, that those principles are good ones," said Plato. "The true question is what to do next. Who shall lead? I propose a dictatorship of the philosophers."
Max Weber entered the room with a fresh pot of coffee, "You know, I've rethought all my theories and decided that maybe the world should just go to total anarchy and then see what rises out of it."
The whole room just looked at him and so did the people at the table. The Dark One and the AI's smiled.
"It was just a thought..."
"Let's get serious here. We have to come up with some saving grace plan for world control before the whole structure collapses in on it's corruption manifested core!" called Rousseau.
"Yes, let's. I don't want to be out of a job, after all," said Yeltsin.
"Apropos the dictatorship idea," said Marks, "who decides who leads?"
"I will!" shouted Hitler and Geddoffme in unison. They then glared at one another. Hitler slapped Muamar. Geddoffme uppercut Hitler, and they rolled to the floor in a brawl. They rolled to one side of the room and into the closet opened by Weber, where Steve Arlington had Syd Sliver the penguin in a headlock and was wrestling him to the ground. After closing the door, they resumed.
"Now that the loonies are gone," said Plato, "I would suggest a series of rigorous tests, which would slot people into fields that they were apt to take. Only the best would make it to philosopher status, and they would be the leaders."
"But," said Kafka, "this is an even worse bureaucracy! There is no choice, which is bad enough, but even worse the decisions are made by a test rather than a human!"
"Besides," said Marks, "tests can be skewed."
"It really is too bad we can't go back to a pre-civilized state," put in Rousseau. "Noble savages and all that."
"Right, and they'd be at each others throats in no time," said Weber.
Marks jumped in with, "Greed is the true evil. If everyone were charitable, any system would work..."
"And if wishes were horses, beggars would show jump. Let's stick to reality, folks," said Plato. "Since we can't have perfection, we should concern ourselves with the best method of ruling."
"The problem with your set up," replied Marks, "is that it doesn't take into account direction. Someone could be brilliant, and therefore be the highest authority in your system, but could also be twisted."
Kafka nodded.
"Twisted people are not brilliant enough to pass my tests."
"Really?" asked Kafka. "Could your tests weed out Hannibal Lecter?"
"Well... good point," conceded Plato.
Tom Hobbes and Machiavelli returned from the kitchen. Charles of secondat also came in from the water closet; he was all wet.
"We should just have a base legal system of social laws that will be monitored by a broad number of legal experts and let the people do what they want within that system," Charles of Secondat dripped.
"That's what we have now, in case you were away," said Kafka.
"I was in the washroom, but the government is too involved and controlling all over. There should just be an enforcement group and a prosecution group working together to produce a unified world system."
"This is too adversarial," said Plato. "It assumes that all a government has to do is stop its citizens from breaking its rules. A government must be much more involved, unfortunately. The role of government is to ensure its citizens are physically safe and healthy, which includes laws but also such things as welfare, education, and national defense. I know some of you are attached to the idea of a laisez faire system, but this hardly works; look at the England of the late nineteenth century for an example."
"Then we should have the Christians run the world for everyone," said Hobbes.
"Au contraire, mon amis," said Rousseau. "Christians care too little for this world and too much for the next to be effective and beneficial rulers."
"Yeah and we'd have evangelists on every channel," added Kafka.
"Furthermore," continued Rousseau, "this would bring about a dictatorship of Christianity, with only people of the right sect being allowed to rule, a most unequal situation. Even worse, imagine the infighting between Christians? The Protestants and the Catholics would be at each other's throats; it would be like Ireland had taken over the world."
"Besides," put in Marks, "religion is the opiate of the people; it's sole purpose is to keep the workers enslaved."
Hobbes rose. "Take that back, foul atheist!"
The closet door opened. Syd exited and closed the door, brushed himself off and then left. The party resumed.
"I am not an atheist. Atheism says that you do not believe in a higher being. I simply do not believe in worship," said Marks.
"Heathen! All who do not worship Christ must be damned..."
Plato stepped between them. "Guys, our religious blow out is next week. Let's stick to politics for now. I have an idea on how to solve your problems with my system. What we need is a separate order to administer the tests, one that can see into an applicants very soul."
"Essentially an order of telepathic monks?" asked Kafka.
"Well... yeah, why not?"
"How many telepathic monks do you know?"
"Well, none, but we can talk to the authors and get them to lend us some."
"Let's not get tangential. Now, we don't have any mental monks to speak of and this would throw the world into the control of the Catholics. It won't do at all," uttered Kafka.
"I didn't say they had to be Catholic monks, Franz. That was just the basic structure; a group held separate that was indoctrinated in the beliefs necessary for a philosopher king to be a just ruler. The monk part gets across the separateness of the order, not its agenda."
"The thing is that people in different areas and climates are going to have different tempers, thoughts, and concepts. The laws have to reflect the tempers and concepts of all areas in order to be viable," commented Secondat.
"The thing we must determine," said Weber, "is the degree of differentiation necessary. Are we after freedom or stability? Are these compatible? Bear in mind that with the weapons now available, it is the survival of the species we must be concerned with."
"True," said Kafka. "Have you heard what George Washington is playing with?"
"Yes," said Plato, "I had been meaning to mention that George wouldn't be allowed to take the exams."
"Look, we don't need exams and blood tests.” Blasted CWBorysowich who now appeared in front of them. “We need a world order that everyone can follow not just the Pinkertons or Dan and Marilyn can swallow. Everyone has this narrow minded view of control. That breeds even narrower minded viewpoints and then you have seperatists and distinct society bozos that think they have a better system and that they don't need any of your charity. Damnit give us something solid.”
"Hey, it's a Supreme!" All the philosophers rushed up for autographs. Plato asked, "Can I have some telepathic monks?"
"My god some of the best philosophical and political minds and none of you have a bloody pen? As for telepathic monks... hmm... Catholics that can read your mind... Not!"
"They don't have to be catholic monks..."
"Hmm... any religious radical being able to read my mind... don't think so."
"Why not? Reading your mind isn't difficult."
"I could crush everyone of you in this room as easily as tearing a round of Limburger cheese. Now come up with some potential solutions or suffer the consequences of all society falling into the hands of evil sorcerers and machines."
Kafka leaned over to Rousseau and whispered, "I think he's been reading too many tabloids."
"I'm not about to explain it, but you better do something. Damnit I'm a taxpayer. Now get on with it!" CWBorysowich then disappeared.
Weber looked puzzled. "If he's a Supreme, why doesn't he do it himself? And he hasn't paid any taxes to me..."
"I still think the telepathic monk idea was good," said Plato.
KDAmery wandered in, carrying a remote control. "Have any of you seen the TV Guide?"
"Another Supreme!!!" They all rushed over again for autographs, but still had no pen.
"I need a telepathic monk - just one, to test a theory. Please?" asked Plato sincerely.
"Guys, guys, back off. I can't sign anything, anyway, I've got writer's cramp."
They looked at each other. "Figures."
KDAmery turned to Plato. "The telepaths are all busy, and besides that they're atheists. So what have you guys come up with so far?"
"Not much to speak of," said Hobbes.
"Great. Is that what we're investing all this disk space on? `Not much?' Oh, you guys are great... where are the other two?"
"In the closet."
KDAmery opened the closet and saw Hitler, Geddoffme, and Steve Arlington tied into a pretzel and hanging from the rack. "Ah, Syd's been here." He shut the door again.
"We need more!" demanded Rouseau.
"More what? We gave you a truck full of munchies and fridge full of beer, not to mention a fully stocked bar. What else do you want?"
"Well, yeah, but we only have the knowledge of our works and our times and enough about now to integrate us into society. It's like we're being released from prison. We need to know why."
"You wanna know why? You're the philosophers, you figure it out."
"Yes, but why have we been brought together. What are we really saving the world from and why should it be saved?"
KDAmery looked puzzled a second. "Couldn't tell ya. Now that I think of it, you're here for a really futile (read, `stupid') reason, and, to be frank, you're wasting our time. Sooo..." KDAmery pointed the remote at them and hit the off button.
