PART LXXI - FROM LAS VEGAS to LOONEY LAND

Roger and his new friends walked back to the front of the library, and he led them to another row. They passed Martin Luther King Jr. reading up on some rice pilaf recipes. Tommy Pynchon sat sifting through the last hundred years of statistics generated on the efficiency of the US postal service. Copernicus read with fascination of quartz watches; on his lap was a treatise on the Oort Cloud. Tex Dostoyevsky was enraptured by a stack of cowboy comics. At the end of the row of tables they saw Franz Kafka laughing hysterically at the transcripts of the 2096 Presidential Debates. In the faint light they could see another set of tables further along but Roger led them down a row of shelves.

"You keep all these guys in your library, man?" asked Music Man.

"Actually, I just recently noticed that they were here, and I've since considered changing my major to History."

"I didn't know Kafka got out," said Wanderer. No one paid any attention to him.

They walked down the rows and piles of books, edging past Sun Tzu, who was crouched down looking through some books on war as a method of cheap upholstery repair.

"Pardon me, Kimo Sabe, but where are we going?"

"Oh, I'm looking for either some books on Mediaeval English or an exit, whichever shows up first."

"Well, this might help," said Wanderer, holding up a small pamphlet titled, "Everything you'd ever want to know about Mediaeval English."

"Yeah, thanks. Now, how do we..?"

"Kimo Sabe, look." Moon Runner pointed at the book shelf. All the books seemed to form a door that said "Exit."

"Boy, am I glad no one took one of these out to read," said Roger. "Here goes." He turned the knob.

They stepped out into the war room at the Strategic Air Command. General Stormin Normin turned to look at them.

"You have one weird house," said Wanderer.

"Hey," said Normin, "aren't you the guy that was trying to lay my daughter Paisley?"

Moon Runner thought way back to the start of this mess and said, "No comment."

"Don't pull an Olli North on me, was it you?"

"It was actually Harry that wanted her, Kimo Sabe."

Normin's face turned a bright purple as the thought that Paisley might have inhaled a particle of air that had passed through Harry's lungs, crossed his mind. "Alright, I want an air strike on the Holey Roach Motel, ASAP!"

While Normin barked out orders, Moon Runner and the boys walked off through the bunker and used the elevator to arrive at...

The New York Stock Exchange.

"Too bad we're not at NASDAQ, then I could check how my stocks are trading!" said Music Man.

"Wasn't that supposed to be the stock exchange for the next hundred years?" questioned Roger.

"They said that over 50 years ago but nobody cares. An exchange is an exchange."

"Look folks," said Moon Runner, "all this is entertaining, but perhaps we should find a way back to somewhere less insane."

"That place doesn't exist," said Chucky Manson, passing through on his way to buy shares in White's Department Store.

"Point in case," said Moon Runner.

"Look, I'd love to help," said Roger, "but the truth is I just inherited the place, and I really haven't got a clue where anything is yet."

"Man, this place is great!" said Wanderer. The rest looked at him as though he'd offered to slice his gut open so they could make sausages.

"Seriously, I could wander here forever."

"Let's move on then," said Roger.

Walking through a set of double oak doors, they entered central missile command in Moscow. Lieutenant Commander Alexei Sergov turned to them as they entered.

"This is all I need today, for you comrades to walk in here. This day has just been crazy. A small computer glitch had every US missile as being launched at us and this Chinese guy keeps calling us for an ICBM to fix his couch."

"That is alright, Kimo Sabe, we're just passing through."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Uh, my front hallway would be good," said Roger.

"Okay, go in that broom closet and lift the bottom out of the mop bucket."

"Man, this place is amaazing," said Wanderer.

After a soggy trip through the bucket, they arrived at the top of the cathedral in Roger's home.

"Great," said Roger, "now all we've gotta do is get down."

"You don't know which door?" asked Music Man.

"Uh, no."

PART LXX - DEBRIEFING on the DETHRONING

The Dark One sat tapping his fingers on the obsidian slab which was his desk.

"Why don't you tell me about these things? You project some chestless chick this ring and you don't even mention it!"

"I forgot about it."

"Forgot? This is like forgetting to put away the self destruct control when you have the suicide club in for tea on your interstellar battle cruiser. You're going to have to concentrate, buddy boy. Or is the lack of sunlight affecting your memory?"

"I can't even control the girl - she's become the purest form of evil itself and I don't know what can control it."

"Y'know, your foresight leaves much to be desired. And as usual, I'm the one who has to clean up the mess. This is great. I'm in a good mind to disappear for a millennia or two."

"Like that would be a big loss!"

"Oooh, how cutting. Tell me, did you write dialogue for MASH?"

"It's not like you're helping me! I've gotten more help from that stupid ring than I have out of you! I'm trying to control the entire world for Christ's sake!"

"Interesting epithet. Anyway, how well do you think Linda dearest would have done if I hadn't set up that `The Queen is an Imposter' schtick? She would have waltzed in and been thrown out of court for contempt, and you would have been out five hundred bucks. Control the world my ass."

"What ass?"

"Exactly."

"I have a set plan for taking over the entire world and controlling it from one central position."

"Of course you do, you just keep forgetting the important parts. Anything else you've forgotten about? You wouldn't happen to have left the GEM OF KARNATH (well stirred music) or Hastur the Unspeakable lying around, would you?"

"THE GEM OF KARNATH? (beginning to sound silly music) That stoopid rock couldn't conjure it's way out of a paper bag! I should know, since I hid it in one for over 30 years. Thus, I just abandoned him to a lost cavern on Mars. As for Hastur, as long as his mother is alive, I don't see him as being much of a threat."

"Maybe so, but that old broad's going to get pulled in on a traffic violation eventually, and then where will you be? And I guess you haven't even got a clue how THE GEM works, do you?"

"Ummm... Uhhh... Ummmn... Hmmmm... What do you do with it?"

"You expect me to tell you? So you can write it down and leave the notes lying about for Sturmgosse and the AI's to pick up? Yeah, right. I guess there's only one thing to do."

"What?"

"Sit down and go over this plan of yours. Let's see what else you've neglected to mention."

"You can't."

"No, but you can."

"Oh, so now you want me to do things for you?"

"Want my help or not?"

"You haven't been any help so far, and I don't take orders from anyone! I'm The Dark One for Christ's sake!"

"Point One: If you'd followed my advice, you would have had Moon Runner. Point Two: I'm not anyone, I'm no one, so by definition you take orders from me. Point Three: shouldn't that be either the Old Messiah's or the New Messiah's sake?"

"Isn't Christ the Old Messiah?"

"I'm not sure. I think that whole WWF rip-off was to see who got rights to the name. Anyway, do you want my help or not? Like you said, it's no great loss if I'm not here."

"I doubt that you would ever go away anyways."

The room was silent.

"Are you there?"

The Dark One sat listening to the echoes of his voice dying away.

"Thank god! Now I can get on with my plans!"

"Thank who?"

"I can thank myself once in a while. I thought I told you to go away!"

"Oh, well if that's the way you're going to be, I'm here for the duration, bucko."

"Great! Just like a plague."

"Yes, wonderful, isn't it?"

"Actually you're worse than a plague!"

"I should get you to write my PR."

"Well, at least plagues kill you after a while!"

The Voice snickered satisfyingly.

PART LXIX - IN SEARCH of ******

Nameless One Jr and the GEM OF KARNATH (another belt of stirring music) delved ever deeper into the caverns of Mars, searching for The Nameless One. The rock arched and molded overhead, dripping down in stalactites and vaulting high above into caverns no human had ever seen.

"So, your Dad, what's he look like?"

"Well, he's real big..."

"I imagined he would be."

They wandered even deeper and walked past a sign that said "Core" and then they started to walk shallower.

"I wonder why there are no other beings down here?" pondered the GEM.

"Yeah, and it's awful hot too. Maybe... my father... he ate them."

"What else does your father eat?"

"Most insects over 10 feet tall. And you know... My friend Billy told me... that babies... they come from... water taps."

"Billy is a confused boy."

"He says that they stay moist that way."

"Whatever."

"You know what else?"

"I know your cousin Tammy had an operation to get the bee-hive off her head."

"Gee, you're good."

"Of course, I'm the GEM OF KARNATH." (yet another blast of some-what appropriate stirring music).

"Says you."

"Blow it out your ear, kid."

They continued through the cavern until they reached another cavern that was completely dark. Water dripped, dripped, dripped from somewhere, making Nameless Jr think again about where babies came from. An ill wind blew through the caves on its way to a medical clinic.

"Gee," said Nameless Jr, "who turned out the lights?"

"Is that damn Voice around here?" asked THE GEM OF KARNATH. (That music can't stay stirring forever, y'know.)

"Who?"

"Oh, uh, never mind. So, what next?"

"Well, maybe we should call my father."

"Okay, what's his name?"

Nameless Jr looked at THE GEM.

"Right, forget I asked. So how do you call him."

"Like this. DAD!"

From the depths of darkness came a rumbling so vast, so hideous, so unspeakable, it could only be ******.

[Hey, give us a break. We aren't supposed to talk about Hastur the Unspeakable... whoops.]

Another growl erupted from the darkness and a deep menacing voice thundered towards them saying "What?"

"Grandma's got lunch ready."

"Humph... I'll be down in a minute."

"You mean we're looking for this guy because it's lunch time?" asked THE GEM.

"Well it is. C'mon Dad, it's gonna get cold."

"I'm in the middle of something," said Hastur. [we broke the rules already, so we may as well keep naming the bugger.]

"Okay, but Grandma won't like it."

Hastur grumbled in his cave and said, "Oh, alright, I'm coming."

With that, Nameless Jr turned around and headed back out of the caverns.

PART LXVIII - IN the POSE for WOES

Harry sat on a rock near the smoldering ruin of the Roach Motel. A pile of Kleenex boxes sat too his left and a mound of soaking wet paper sat to his right. Harry sobbed and mumbled continuously.

"I was a contender... I coulda been somebody... I had a chance to win the Motel Proprietor of the Year Award. But now this black mark on my record will ruin me... I have nothing left, but a pile of wood, plaster, glass, and a bunch of cheap torn paintings."

Harry blew his nose loudly.

A hand fell on his shoulder. "Have you a room?"

Harry turned around. "What the fuck do you think, asshole?"

A tall, thin, pale skinned man stood over him, with long black hair, the center of which stood straight up and was dyed (it must have been dyed, right?) mauve. He wore black flowing garments, and his eyes were a piercing violet. At his side hung a giant curved sword.

"Oh God, not another one," said Harry.

"Another what?" asked the stranger.

"Uh, nothing, nothing at all." Harry got up and backed away from the guy, tripping over the remains of a drain pipe.

"Have care, friend. Tell me, is this the Holiroche Hotel?"

"Uh, close. It was the Holy Roach Motel. Why?"

"I was told to come here. I am on a quest, you see."

"Uh huh? Uh uh, I don't see."

"You needn't. My name is Kyle Te'Arashae. I need a room."

"Look, I'd love to help ya pal, but my hotel's been wiped out for the second time this week, so, uh, I don't think there's going to be a motel here anymore, alright?"

"You're giving up?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Typical human reaction." The man walked off.

"Wait a minute!" Harry chased him. "What do you mean, `typical human reaction'?"

"Your race has a disturbing tendency to give in when adversity strikes. Your ability to swim upstream is lamentably poor."

"What, you think we just roll over and die whenever life throws a curve?!"

"Something like that."

Harry stood in front of the guy. "Listen to me, you punk-rock road kill! We have more drive, more will to succeed than you've ever seen, bucko! I'm going to build a hotel here that'll make the Astoria look like a Venture Inn. And if you don't believe me, you'd better just stay out of my way!"

Kyle punched him lightly in the arm. "That's the spirit, Harry. Knock'em dead."

"Wha... How do you know my name?"

"I was told to ask for Harry at the Holiroche Hotel. Since there isn't anyone else around, I assumed that was you."

"Told to ask for me? By who?"

"Oh, a little bird."

"You're not getting off that easy - birds don't talk. Now, who was it?"

"Didn't you just have a conversation with a Phoenix the other day?"

"Shit... Ok you win."

Kyle wandered across the field and Harry headed back to his smoldering ruin with the dreams of a huge resort.

PART LXVII - MOVING IN

Linda didn't like it.

"It's too biiiig!"

"Biiiig, biiig, ....." said the echo.

"But, Milady," said Balldrip, "it's the most lavish residence in..."

"Shut up you cadaver. Do you realise how many people I'm going to have to wipe out to fill this place with blood?! Hmm, sounds like fun..."

A Servant popped in. "Is her Majesty back? I thought I heard her come in."

Linda turned, flashing an evil eye, and growled, "Yes, I'm right here." She grabbed a halbard from the wall and charged the servant, turning him into a human shishkabob. His trembling hands grasped onto the shaft as blood flowed down his legs, then he fell limp and the puddle at his feet grew larger.

Balldrip glanced at the remains. "I say, Mistress, you've made an awful spot on the rug."

"You really aren't paying attention, are you Balldrip? Come along, we've got a slaughter to begin."

"Uh, you go on ahead, I left something in the car."

Linda reached over and yanked Balldrip to his feet. "I said come on! And pull your leiderhosen up for fuck's sake, you pathetic little worm."

"But its the Industrial Strength Mixer!.."

"Shut up. We have bigger plans afoot."

"You have plans for a bigger foot?"

"Shut up."

"Right."