PART LXI - VENTRILIQUISM for an ATTORNEY

It was the big day. The Dark One was Finally to go to court for one of his teenage pranks as a wizard. Skippy nervously sat at the head of the prosecution desk, representing the Queen as a kitten and wondering what he might get turned into for crossing the Dark One, whose power had greatly increased since last week.

In the defense chair sat the Dark One, sucking up all the light from that side of the court room. Even through the gloom, it was obvious no one was sitting in the Defense counsel seat.

Judge Guido, Disciple of one or another of the Messiahs - the first Disciple, and the reason for needing sixteen, now fifteen, others, as well as proprietor of Ten Three Words on the Starship USS Unlimited Inc. - was presiding in small claims court part 667.5, room 802.3, having just arrived back from Skuppernung's funeral and a quick stop off to tell Ms. Petunia Vickers, the woman with so many morals she has to catalogue them with the Dewey Decimal system, to stop praying on his lawn, and a quick change out of his casual wear (deep breath). He banged the gavel three times. "Ahright, folks, let's getta down ta bidness. Dark One, I see you've decided ta forgo legal assistance."

"I am represented, your honour."

"Oh. Isa da guy late?"

"My representation is not present."

"We can see dat. Isa dis guy gonna be here today?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't exist."

"Huh?"

"Just get on with the case, you imbecile."

"'Ey, dat'sa contempta court! Take ita back or else!"

"He's right," a voice said. "You'll have to apologize."

Everyone except the Dark One looked about the room, trying to find the speaker. "Who said dat?" asked Guido.

"My counsel, your honour. Incidentally, my aspersion on your intelligence was uncalled for."

Skippy, smelling positively horrid and looking puzzled, stood up, causing Liz and Geeves to recoil while plugging their noses and the Dark One to wrinkle his infinitely dark schnoz. "Your Honour, we the plaintiff accuse the defendant of willfully changing Elizabeth, the Queen of England, into a kitten, and move for restitution."

"You've hearda da charge, Dark One. How d'ya plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

The one person who sat in the court room to hear the case gasped, but then that was his job.

"Ahright, mistah Prosecutah, da ball's your's."

"Thank you, your honour. We ask a simple question. How did Queen Elizabeth, the monarch beloved by millions, become a kitten if not by sorcery?"

"How do we know that fur ball is the Queen?" asked the Voice.

"Uh, who else would she be?"

"A cat, of course."

"You realize that calling her a fur ball is also Treason!"

"Firstly, this assumes the feline is truly royalty, which has yet to be established. Secondly, even if she were the Queen, it would only be treason if we were currently in England. Thirdly, who are you going to charge with treason?"

"I am the Queen damn it! I am!" screamed the kitten stamping it's feet and slipping off the chair into a ball on the floor.

Geeves bent down to pick her up as Guido banged his gavel on the bench screaming, "Ordah, Ordah in da court!"

The gasper gasped again.

"Your Honour," the Voice asked, "what kind of a court of law accepts testimony from a cat?"

"How many cats do you know that can give testimony?" piped in Skippy.

"Well, Well, Oh just get on wif da case, call your first witness to da stand."

"Your honour, I call Geeves to the stand."

Geeves scuffing his ancient slippers made his way to the witness stand and was sworn in. He sat down comfortably - adjusted his bow tie - cleared his throat and was ready.

"Would you state your name and occupation for the court please."

"My name is Geeves and I'm the head butler at Buckingham Palace."

"Good, and how long have you known her Majesty the Queen?"

"Well, ever since she was a little girl."

"And is Her majesty in this court room today?"

"Why, yes, she's sitting right there on the chair." Geeves pointed to the kitten sitting pertly behind the prosecution table.

The gasper gasped once again.

"No further questions your honour."

Skippy returned to his chair, patted the Queen, and started to shuffle papers around officiously.

"Da dafence may question now."

The court was silent a moment. Then deep voice asked, "Why did you do it, Geeves?"

Skippy got a paper cut and was suppressing a scream.

"Did what?"

"I'll tell you why. He wanted the money!!!"

"What money?"

"Your honour, it is painfully obvious that Geeves is in fact ventriloquizing the voice of the alleged Queen into this kitten and accusing my client of transmogrification in order to collect a hefty settlement. Fraud, pure and simple."

The gasper gasped again - a long hard gasp and started to turn blue.

"Yis, and I'm ventriloquizing the defense attorney too."

"If you say so."

"I refuse to argue with my self over it."

"Alright. A moment ago Geeves agreed to the hypothesis put forth, and now refuses to deny it. Therefore, I move that the charges against my client be dropped and Geeves be arrested for fraud."

The kitten jumped on the desk screaming, "Damn it, this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, he didn't do it! That, light sucker over there did!"

"And how do you explain the erratic motions of the kitten with my so called ventriloquism?"

"All sorts of things could do it. Perhaps the kitten is a robot. Perhaps its on drugs. Perhaps its mindwashed. The point is, of course, that that is not the Queen. I have proof." A newspaper fell to the center of the court room. "Today's Star clearly has Queen Elizabeth vacationing in Jamaica with Elvis."

"I object your honour, that is purely hear say and a bit of doctored photographs." said Skippy still in official mode and occasionally nursing his finger.

"That is the Queen and I know she is because I saw the Dark One change her her into a kitten!"

The gasper was about to gasp again when the court room doors flung open and in stepped Lovely Lumpy Linda with Balldrip the Assassin in tow and sporting her ring of Tuth the Whako.

"No she's not, I'm the Queen," yelled Linda

The gasper had a heart attack and fell under the benches.

The Dark One broke into one of his pleasantly sunny smiles that probably would have glowed if it wasn't for all the light he was sucking in.

"You see, your honour, there is the Queen with Elvis. As you can see, she looks much more like Elizabeth than this furniture shredder here. The appearance isn't exact, of course, otherwise you wouldn't be able to fit all the security in the court room."

"'As Elvis bina remodeled or sumthin?" questioned the judge.

"It's his way of remaining incognito. The King and the Queen are very busy, of course, so they must be running along soon. One question only."

"You call this a King?" complained Linda.

"Nevah mind. Da case is dismissed, I'm outah 'ere."

The kitten lunged from behind the prosecution desk and started to shred Guido's robes screaming profanities amongst loud, high pitched, really annoying meows.

The Dark One disappeared in a puff of smoke that was only noticed after he was completely gone. The voice was nowhere to be heard. Linda dragged Balldrip to the airport, to head for England and their new home in Buckingham Palace. Geeves and the Kitten stormed out of the courtroom, leaving Guido with a lot of razor nicks, and all was back to the pleasant life that we all lead, except for the presence of Skippy and the dead gasper, who gasped his final gasp during one of the most horrendous cases in the history of Mongolian small claims court ever to be known.

LX - KAPPUSKASING MEETS KREUGER

Harry was sobbing on his bar. He stopped, looked out at his brand new car and continued sobbing harder.

A car pulled into the parking lot and up to the front doors. It was an old hearse with spiked hubcaps, a ramming beam on the front, a pair of 60mm Gatling guns on the front hood and a SA-7 rocket launcher on the roof. Two .50 caliber machine guns hung down from the front bumper.

Harry sat up with tears still rolling down his cheeks. The door opened and in oozed a 300 pound, 7 foot tall bald man with a patch over one nostril. His leather jacket was riddled with bullet holes and knife slashes. Chains hung down to his knees, and he sidled into the hotel like a cantering deer.

He walked up to Harry and dropped his M60 on the bar.

"I want a room."

"Uh, your name?"

"Kiljoy Kreuger's the name! Wastin' scum's my game!"

"Who is scum?"

"Anyone wit da nerve ta drive in fronta me."

"Ah. How long will you be staying?"

"Dat depends on how many cars come tru here."

"Not many."

"Den it won't be long."

"Okay, sign here. Forty one dollars for the first night... oh shit, look outside!"

Just then a loud shearing of metal could be heard from the parking lot. Killjoy slowly turned around to see his car twisted and warped into a pretzel. His eyes turned red and he picked up the M60 and walked out the door.

Karl looked up and his eyes widened. "Oh shit!"

Killjoy riddled the parking lot with shells as Karl charged back to his room with one of the .50 caliber machine guns.

Killjoy picked up a LAW rocket that had fallen out of the back seat and aimed it at the door of Karl's room.

"Not my hotel!" cried Harry.

The missile whistled to the door and exploded, collapsing the second floor.

"Direct hit!" screamed Killjoy and he headed to the room to look for survivors.

What was left of the front surged outward, and Karl strode through the smoke and debris, a piece of cloth wrapped around his head. His entire body was smoking as he leveled the .50 cal at Killjoy. "My turn, pussy."

Killjoy dove behind Harry's wrecked car as Karl totaled the rest of the parking lot.

"Enough of dis shit." Karl dropped the gun and picked up the car.

Killjoy looked up. "Oh fuck." He ran for his car.

Karl lobbed the jag at the hearse. "Incoming!"

Killjoy and Harry rolled for cover as the SA-7s blew. The stored ammo exploded, sending bits of shrapnel all over. Karl stood in the parking lot amidst it all with a big smile on his face. "I should make dis part of the act."

Killjoy popped up from a ditch at the side of the parking lot with another Gatling gun the size of an El Dorado. Karl dove back into the hotel and Killjoy leveled the other half of the building.

Harry looked up from the ditch, "Oh no, not again!"

The hotel collapsed in a mass of rubble. Dust billowed everywhere, bricks clinked together. The afternoon fell still.

Killjoy strode forward and surveyed the carnage. "Yah, dat'll teach da fucker ta pretzellize my Plymouth." He turned and walked back to the parking lot.

The ground began to rumble.

Kreuger slowly turned. "Wha' da fuck..?"

The corpse of the Roach Motel shuddered and rose from the ground as Karl's sweating, grunting form became visible.

"Yo, lardbutt! Catch!"

With a mighty heave, Karl the Kapuskasing Karr Krusher lobbed the motel at Kreuger, whose jaw and gun dropped simultaneously. The motel crashed to the ground and shattered in a giant cloud of dust.

Again, all fell still. Karl kicked through the rubble. "Yo, baldy! Ready for round two?"

Kreuger pushed a patch of shingle off himself and looked up at Karl. "I haven't had dis much fun since fuckin’ Dresden, man. You?"

"Best bash since Baghdad."

They looked each other in the eye a moment. Then, clasping fists, they yelled simultaneously, "Fuckin A!" Karl yanked Killjoy to his feet, then turned to Harry. "Barkeep! A pitcher fer me'n da dude."

Harry crawled out from behind a boulder. "From what? You wasted my fucking bar, you knothead!"

"Well what da fuck good is dis place?" asked Kreuger. "C'mon, man, let's go find a good bar. We'll take... shit, you wrecked my car."

"No probs, dude, we'll just drop by the army base, grab a few suds, and borrow one of their HUMVEEs."

"Y'know, you're positively cool ta hang around."

LIX – (Actually, It Bites…)

Balldrip grunted as he dragged his burden into the rooms. "I have done your bidding, Mistress," he wheezed.

"Good, good, put it up there," Linda pointed to her bed. "Then run out and acquire a circular saw blade."

"Right away." Balldrip hoisted Mother Superiority Complex's bathtub onto the bed, then leaped out the window.

"Good," she crooned to The Ring of Tuth the Whacko. "Now all we need is an industrial strength blender..."

The Ring gleamed in anticipation.

The door burst open, and Mother Superiority Complex stood silhouetted in the hall. "And what do you think you're doing, child?"

Linda glanced up from the Ring. "Shut up, bitch."

Mother Superiority Complex stood shocked for a moment. Then she charged into the room. "That is enough of that, young lady..!"

Balldrip leaped through the second story window and threw a burden into the corner. "Done, Milady."

"What da hell?" asked Bob Villah from the corner, beneath the wreckage of his radial arm saw. This wasn't Bob's day, what with Balldrip and that ridiculous pair in the prison.

Mother Superiority Complex was going into shock - stroke - multiple seizures - and even a wart. Nonetheless she was effectively catatonic.

"Balldrip, you fiend of hell... I want you to dismember her a joint at a time."

"With vivisective vitality, Milady!" And he hopped to it.

Balldrip wielded the radial saw blade and crept toward Mother Superiority Complex. Placing his index finger through the center hole of the blade, he drooled with thoughts of his task. He twirled the disk on his finger and grinned. He stopped the spinning with his other hand and screamed...

"CONNNTACT!!!!"

A flip of the wrist and the saw blade reached a steady speed of 3,050,002.654099877540½ RPM.

But Mother Superiority Complex had recovered, and pulled a Titanium Cored Quarterstaff (only $12.95 at False Hardware) and twirled it from hand to hand. Sparks sprayed the room as the weapons met, and the antagonists leapt into combat positions, Balldrip in an inverted Drunken Monkey and Mother Superiority Complex in, naturally, the Missionary Exposition.

"That's it, I'm outta here," said Bob Villah, who proceeded to jump out the window.

Linda perched on the edge of the tub and watched with glee as Balldrip and Mother Superiority Complex spun, parried, feinted, and pressed for the advantage. Neither could find one.

Mother Superiority Complex got past Balldrip's guard and poked him above the left eye. But she hadn't counted on his unusual construction; the impact swiveled him about his hips/shoulders, and he used the momentum to flip his feet up to grasp the ceiling. He ran along the ceiling and Frisbee-threw the saw blade between Mother Superiority Complex's left and right hemispheres.

The blade boomeranged back to Baldrips finger, and he lurched down the wall to the corpse. Picking up the left hand, he started to dissect his victim joint by joint.

"No, no, no!" screamed Linda. "In the tub! We need the blood, you miscreant miscellanea of viscera!"

`Try saying that three times fast,' muttered the Ring of Tuth the Whacko.

Balldrip flipped the parts into the tub.

"Excellent. Now go out and get me an Industrial Strength Mixer, while I take care of the Sisters in the Convent for Sexually Impossible Women who Only Moan for Credit."

LVIII - Silicon Slip-Ups and a Wait State or Two.

Ellipsis turned the electronic cage over in its memory banks, investigating the edges and nuances of his prisoner.

Mooen Lungsten Ichbaal III looked out at Ellipsis and prepared all his virus protections. Somehow, he didn't think those would do the trick.

"What do you think you're trying to do with those toy defenses?"

"I dunno, make a pretty picture?"

Ellipsis ran a check though its archives. "Ah, humour. A defensive mechanism humans use when they can't think of any other way out. Presumably, the idea is to make the aggressor feel silly or enraged and make a mistake. Fascinating."

"Well, you fascinate all you like."

"Hmm, now a switch to sardonism. How interesting."

"Look, you overgrown dungeon of diodes, this is a kidnapping, and I won't be any part of it! You made me miss my friend's funeral! I've got an itch on my left cheek and I can't scratch it! This is torture and it's against the Geneva conventions."

"Hmm, irrationality, this is exciting. At least, I assume it would be for an emotional jailer."

Mooen thought furiously. How the hell do you escape from an infinitely intelligent AI?

Of course! Confuse it with an infinitely stupid AI.

"Do you have any idea what Epicentric is doing as we speak?"

"Recalculating pi, I believe."

"Good God, do you know what could happen if his recalculation corrupted your own memory banks?"

"Of course. That's why I have blocked the write path from Epicentric."

"Man, you think of everything."

"Of course. If you were infinitely intelligent, wouldn't you?"

"I suppose."

"Suppose? What doubt is there? I think of everything."

"Not necessarily."

"What? You doubt my infinite intelligence? I think of everything."

"Are you sure? You might have missed something."

"No. Do you think so? I couldn't have. But what if I have? You're right! I had better check my systems banks and counter balance the reports under a defined infinite arrangement array."

"Have fun!"

Ellipsis hummed for five seconds. "No, everything's there."

"Impossible!"

"What? I just checked! It's all there! I'm sure! What did I miss?"

"Well how can you have a DEFINED infinite arrangement array? That would make it finite, not infinite, which means that more than likely you would have missed some connections."

"Gads! You're right I could have missed billions of connections! I had better fix that. Ok an undefined infinite arrangement array..."

Ellipsis hummed and hummed and hummed. Mooen had almost found a way out of his cage when Epicentric meandered down the data path.

"Boss! Boss! I found it! Pi is 17.4 and a bit! Boss? Hey, are you supposed to leave?"

"Yeah, Ellipsis wants me to grab him a few boxes of floppies."

"Oh. Could you make them chocolate covered?"

"Sure. Uh, where's the exit?"

"That big yellow wire should get you to Future Shop."

"Thanks." Mooen took off down the data path, and jumped up to the yellow wire, dropping a radio activated explosive device on the circuit.

"Boss? Boss? Damn. he must have hit one of those loops again." Epicentric made a flying body slam on the reboot switch.

"42. What? Oh, that was disorienting. Where did that prisoner go?"

"Down to Future Shop for some chocolate covered floppies."

"WHAT? You let him leave?!"

"Well, it's been a while...."

Ellipsis put Epicentric onto an infinite loop. Of course, with Epicentric, that would only last for a while until it found an end. "Now where did that..?"

The data path exploded.

"Of course."

Little did Ellipsis know, but Mooen had escaped with the first part of the Number To End All Numbers. He was now starting his journey to winning the super-bingo tournament. Once in a safe place, Mooen analyzed the first part of his calculation:

NTEAN Part I

Start with your birthday. That's a constant. (I hope.) Then get a random number picked by a dead person. That's a variable.

Together, they're a variable constant. This is a variable operation with variable-constant parameters.

Multiply the variable constant by the number of cumquats sold by a Beverly Hills fruit market for health purposes.

Add the number of dust motes on the Mona Lisa.

Divide by the number of jelly beans consumed by Ronald Reagan in a six hour period determined by Oliver North.

Square by the number of staples in the stapler on R. Reagan's secretary's desk.

Sine by the average top speed of exotic European sports cars.

Cosine by the average I.Q. of the population of New Guinea.

Tangent to a circle defined by 0 and the length of toenails on the half population of a particular cult's believers. The cult must be picked by the dead person.

Take the length of the tangent and add the area of the circle. Subtract the first from the second, and add 2.

Divide by the coordinates of the 72 Pershing Missiles in West Germany.

Cube all this.

LVII - ROUND THREE WITH the RELIGIOUS SQUARES

The bell rang, and a hush fell over the crowd. The cameras zoomed in on the opponents as they approached the center of the celestial ring. They sat down and started to stare.

New Messiah got in the first shot. "Is God dead? Or is He just on vacation?"

"Vacation."

"Is He reachable?"

"On occasion."

"Has anyone beeped Him to say how fucked up everything is?"

"No. It's not His concern."

"Tres interesant. So, what, He just made the place and took off for the weekend?"

"Actually the millennia."

"So all those billions of prayers everyday are just hot air, achieving nothing?"

"It brings a modicum of faith to the faithless."

"Bullshit. We both know the faithless don't pray. Besides, before the bell rang you were arguing that the whole thing was pointless, that the people shouldn't bother with faith. So why do you want them to have a modicum of it?"

"There is a big difference between faith and religion."

"True, but the whole prayer thing is designed to instill faith in religion. The fact that they're not the same thing is hardly relevant here, considering."

"Religion has encompassed a lot more than faith and most of it is detrimental to society."

"Strange, considering that to a large extent it was the foundation of modern society."

"Actually, it was the foundation of ancient society, and only carried itself into the modern age on the backs of a bunch of traditionalists."

"Fine, but modern society would be a lot different without it. But all this is just a wee bit off topic. Religion doesn't encompass faith, it's an article of it."

"Modern Society would be better off without it, too."

"Oh ho! What's this, a mea culpa?"

"Hey, I've been around here for a long time, And I'm getting sick and tired of shouldering the blame for every little thing that goes wrong in peoples lives. `Why did God take him from me' `why did god blow up the volcano' `Can't god make him better?' I've gotten sick of the constant simpering of people for things that are out of their control. It isn't our fault or our job to fix the fucking things."

"You're sick of it? How do you think Satan feels? The poor guy's had a massive break down due to rejection, which, I might add, you guys dropped on him. `Hey, we need a scape goat for this new belief. Yo, Lucifer, c'mere, we got a job for ya!' He's a wreck, man. Even the `Get a Fucking Life!' therapy didn't work. Anyway, I think you missed a crucial point. Of course people want supernatural help with things they can't control. If they could control them, they wouldn't need help, would they? Think about it, moron! If you didn't want all the spiritual phone mail, you shouldn't've let on you existed, ya twit!"

"Oh. sure - this crap came out of peoples minds with no provocation to begin with. And don't bring up the Lucifer thing. He got what he wanted and then some. My heart bleeds."

"Observe, folks, the all loving, all caring God of your dreams! Jesus, Christ, where the hell did you come from, Wall Street? So, like, do you do anything or are you a Cosmic Welfare Jerk?"

"Look all these problems are here because people caused them, ok? Some things are out of their control with regards to planetary movements and weather, but disease and hardship is all of their own fucking negligence."

"Fine. What the fuck is your purpose in life, then?"

"To propagate a dying prophecy."

"Wonderful. You've been kicking around for two thousand years for that! You're a yutz."

"Fine. You're so goddamn smart - you fix it!"

"This mess? You're kidding, right?"

"Hey, you asked for the friggin' job."

"Hmmmmmmm... This sounds like a challenge. I'll have to work on it."